Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Getting Back To Me

I've just spent hours working on a painting that I didn't even finish, because I hate it. I haven't been able to finish a blog, story or poem in months and I don't read as often as I used to. I feel as if I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I hate feeling like this. I hate going on and on like this, because I feel like I'm writing to the dead. I have no one to blame but myself. I've been caught up with life and doing things that are truly unimportant. Like watching T.V., using Instagram, Facebook, Youtube, etc...

A huge part of me has set my hopes on being somewhat artistic, with writing, painting and so on...hoping that through one of these three passions I could be "big." And now that all feels so far from me. I've been thinking so much about my "career" lately, and what I really want to do with my life, just thinking about it all is so exhausting. My original plan was to go for a degree in Egyptology/Archaeology, because Egyptian culture really fascinates me then I thought, I am pretty good at writing, why not go for a degree in Liberal Arts or something? Now I'm thinking that, Liberal Arts is really just going to lead me towards a teaching career, which I really don't care for, and Egyptology is a bit of a far-fetched childhood dream. I recently started thinking of other career choices, such as Zoologist (I love animals, once worked at a Zoo and loved it) but I read that it requires a lot of Math and I'm terrible at Math, so that's out. Then I thought about Cosmetology, that one died quickly, I'm not girly enough for that crap. I feel like even if I were to stick to Liberal Arts or Zoology I wouldn't have a high chance of getting hired. There are so many people who have Bachelor's Degrees that are unemployed or working the same job level entry as a High school student. With all these new school fees and overcrowding at school it is ten times harder to get into the classes I need and I'm not sure how long it will be until I start my "career."

 I wish I could just write a book and be a star! Pshh, like that will happen! Anyway I'm not sure what this  rant is about, I suppose it's about school and my pathetic life. I just know I need to get back to being me, and trying and dig deep down into my soul and really find what it is I want/need to do. I know right now I need to use social networking a bit less, and get back to interacting with REAL people! I hate that every one I know really communicates, or calls anymore, it's all about writing messages or texting and so on, I hate it! But I am not free of guilt myself. :/ I really haven't put myself out there just as well. I guess what I'm saying is, here's to starting so resolutions early, or just starting again. Here's to reading more, writing more, eating less, exercising more, calling more, texting less, painting more, Instagraming less
                                                To getting back to me.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Foto Friday

One website I tend to spend too much time is wehearit it's basically just a site filled with glamorous and fun little photos of just about anything you fancy! Every Friday I'll be putting up four of my favorite! So here goes...

I absolutely love this writing space! And all the books, my kind of paradise!

These are pretty hilarious, don't you think?

I'm am not even sure where this is, but I wish I were there.

I love this! I want this! I need this!


Have a lovely and safe weekend all!


Monday, January 2, 2012

Here's To Another Year

Hello World! Yeah, I'm alive...I just haven't been posting via Blogger or Facebook too much lately, but that was so last of the things I plan on doing more of this year is writing, so look forward to that!

When a new year rolls around you can usually categorize people into two groups, those who make resolutions and those who don't. I have always been one to make resolutions whether big or small, I find it exciting, kind of a test to see what I can do when I put my all into it. Last year I made a resolution to do what I wanted to do, and to let go of the insecurities I was holding inside me...that resolution took me down to the South of Mexico, where I spent 5 months learning Spanish, snorkeling, teaching ESL, working as a receptionist, and making some incredibly loving and crazy friends. 2011 was exactly everything I've been waiting for, and everything I needed. And now I'm here at the start of the new year kind of wondering what I want to do,what I'm going to do, and what I need to do this year. Like, for example...I WANT to just travel the whole year and forget about the world, what I'm going to do is what I need to do, like finish up school and use my traveling money for a car instead, focus on self improvement, and being "responsible." Because though I can write a novel about all the things I want to do and plan on doing, I won't get anywhere without working for them.


Things I'd Like To Do This Year:

Do a TON of Charity work

Read Hunger Games Series

Stay in school (NO out of the country traveling during school)

Visit NY

Expand drawing and painting skills

Make new friends



There are probably a hundred more that I will come up with along the way...and some things I am keeping to myself, but whether I get through them all or only a few, I can at least say I tried for something.

 What do you believe you deserve in life?

                                                  Go for it.

Happy New Years  everyone!


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Letters To Alejandro #2

                                             Dearest Alejandro,
I write this letter at the risk of putting myself out there, the risk of unveiling myself for all the world to see, at the risk of even more hurt. I've listened to sappy love songs on repeat all week long, looking through old text messages and pictures, breaking down in between for a moment or two.

I wasn't in love. Let me make that clear.
He was simply a "friendship" gone terribly wrong, and for all the right reasons. I'd gone in it, as I usually go into theses things with men, looking at them as nothing more than bystander, a temporary witness to my life, and for about a month it worked. Until I started to actually feel. And once I realized this, I felt like running as I always do when these things come about. I felt like running for the hills, for Mexico, for my freedom. With the fear of heartbreak still settling in my stomach, and the feeling of unrequited love nostalgically rising in my throat...I went for it.

 After two years of pushing every one else away, I'd finally opened up for this one, putting my heart out on a tiny little platter for the taking, letting go of every past insecurity, fear and heartbreak, and letting him see me.

And everything I held within.

Alejandro, I'm unsure why I even I let him in, maybe it was to be brave, to finally take a chance with something, or maybe it was because I was ready to let go of you once and for all. I took a chance, and yet here I am, listening to sappy love music.

Heartbroken. Again.

Let me make it clear again, I was not "in love" because I know it sure seems like it. I simply liked the guy, and the way I felt with him (happy.) And I've had greater loss, I know, but this one really hurts, down to the marrow (right now at least) I think what hurts the most, is not that it's over, or that he still hasn't called (and probably never will) but that I took a risk (for once in my life) and got beat. Beat down pretty bad. And I know I will get over this one, as I have in the past, but for now I'm thinking of  those who say "Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise."Well I've lost, and I'm not feeling very wise, just hurt and a little bit hopeless. Because as much as I read quotes that cheer me on claiming "At least you tried!" I'd rather have not tried at all, I'd rather have stood on the sidelines safely and not have gotten hurt.

But it's too late for that now.

Monday, October 17, 2011


Letters To Alejandro # 1

My Dearest Alejandro,
They say the love that lasts the longest, is the love that is never returned. It has been two years since you walked down those stairs and said goodbye. Two years since I last saw your face. Two years that I still haven't been able to get you off my mind. 

Two year since this un-returned love has lasted.

It was late June 2009. I was only nineteen. Summer was  just arriving as you left. We had spent the Winter in the Caribbean, soaking up the sun, and working on our tans. We fell in love. Or at least it sure felt like it. I still clearly remember sitting with you underneath the warm Caribbean night sky watching the moon trying to out beam the sun, listening to the waves fall into each others arms, and the single red rose you'd left for me that night at the foot of my bed. Alejandro, you were the closest I'd ever gotten to a fairytale and now two years later...I just don't want to give it up. Falling in love with you was easy, you made it easy...but falling out is crippling. Like making someone crawl, when they've already learned how to walk.

Guys have come and gone, and I've felt a glint of what could possibly be love, but never fully let myself get there. I sent them on their way, and forgot about them, over a few weeks time, sometimes it took longer. But you were always there, on my mind. Wondering where you were, and what you were thinking, what grand adventures you were having, and who you were having them with. Have you thought of me often? I understand if you haven't.

The biggest part of me wants you out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my bones, and I even get angry at myself thinking of you, remembering you. Missing you. Alejandro, I'm not sure there is a point to this letter, I am not writing you to ask you to come back to me, nor am I writing you telling  you that I am finally moving on, I am simply writing you to tell you that I still love you, I still love you and I hate myself for it everyday. And that I miss you.
Been missing you since the second you left.