I write this letter at the risk of putting myself out there, the risk of unveiling myself for all the world to see, at the risk of even more hurt. I've listened to sappy love songs on repeat all week long, looking through old text messages and pictures, breaking down in between for a moment or two.
I wasn't in love. Let me make that clear.
He was simply a "friendship" gone terribly wrong, and for all the right reasons. I'd gone in it, as I usually go into theses things with men, looking at them as nothing more than bystander, a temporary witness to my life, and for about a month it worked. Until I started to actually feel. And once I realized this, I felt like running as I always do when these things come about. I felt like running for the hills, for Mexico, for my freedom. With the fear of heartbreak still settling in my stomach, and the feeling of unrequited love nostalgically rising in my throat...I went for it.
After two years of pushing every one else away, I'd finally opened up for this one, putting my heart out on a tiny little platter for the taking, letting go of every past insecurity, fear and heartbreak, and letting him see me.
And everything I held within.
Alejandro, I'm unsure why I even I let him in, maybe it was to be brave, to finally take a chance with something, or maybe it was because I was ready to let go of you once and for all. I took a chance, and yet here I am, listening to sappy love music.
Let me make it clear again, I was not "in love" because I know it sure seems like it. I simply liked the guy, and the way I felt with him (happy.) And I've had greater loss, I know, but this one really hurts, down to the marrow (right now at least) I think what hurts the most, is not that it's over, or that he still hasn't called (and probably never will) but that I took a risk (for once in my life) and got beat. Beat down pretty bad. And I know I will get over this one, as I have in the past, but for now I'm thinking of those who say "Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise."Well I've lost, and I'm not feeling very wise, just hurt and a little bit hopeless. Because as much as I read quotes that cheer me on claiming "At least you tried!" I'd rather have not tried at all, I'd rather have stood on the sidelines safely and not have gotten hurt.
But it's too late for that now.