Sunday, January 30, 2011

The windows would swing open, all the sky would come in... you could laugh... you could go to sleep and wake up and never have to think who likes and doesn't like you. You could close your eyes and you wouldn't have to worry what people said because you never belonged here anyway and nobody could make you sad and nobody would think you're strange...without somebody saying it was wrong, without the whole world waiting for you to make a mistake when all you wanted, all you wanted... was to love and to love and to love and to love and no one could call that crazy. - Sandra Cisneros 

Countdown: 2 Days

Early this morning It had come to my mind that I had actually bought a ticket to Cancun. Err. Well while last year was all talk; with me ranting on and on about how I was going, packing up my stuff, with money in hand...I had somehow always ended up staying, with a new tattoo or a laptop to fill it's void. This year I've started my own quiet war. Spontaneously buying the ticket, telling absolutely no one until a few days before and still, I have not packed a single thing. This lump of fear rose in my throat while thinking of being out in the big bad world without familiar faces. Mostly without mom to save me. Oh gosh did I just admit that?

A recap of my trip in 2009. When I had landed in Cancun the first thing I did was write one of my best friends, crying to her about how much I wanted to be home and how crazy I was thinking I could actually stay there for four weeks! After being in Cancun for a few days I had grown to love the place, the people and everything surrounding. After 4 weeks, I never wanted to leave! I thought 4 weeks just isn't long enough!
This is certain to happen again. Trust me.

To make things even crazier; my airline of choice (Expedia) calls me up this afternoon telling me my flight has been cancelled due to this, this, and that. My initial reaction is okay, so now I have an excuse for backing out. Until the lady on the other line asks if I'd like to change my flight to an earlier date or a later date. And as much as I know I'll miss home, and cry and kick and shout...I tell her "Give me the earlier flight doll." Or something like that. So here's to skipping a whole day. One less day of anticipation, and excitement. But mostly, one less day of wanting to chicken out.

One less day of missing home; while I'm still at home...



Thursday, January 27, 2011

 I miss the 4 am  phone conversations about nothing in particular. 


Countdown: 5 days

Only five more torturous days until I leave for Mexico. The days seem to be getting longer and longer. Don't get me wrong; this torture isn't family or friend related. It' more of an inner battle. A battle I just haven't been able to win. Day after day I find myself without.... If I go on any further I feel I will have revealed too much now. I'm holding back. Just know that.

Is this my quarter life crisis sneaking up on me again?What am I doing and where do I want to go with it? Fink's "This is the thing" is playing in the background and I feel like breaking down. Into a million little pieces. 

Right now all I look forward to is waking up to the waves crashing beside me and a warm cup of Pocna's cafĂ© con leche. Snorkeling beneath Tulum's beautiful waves and soaking up some cancerous Caribbean sun. I can't help but to recall 2009's trip. A four week trip that took me throughout Tulum, Cancun and Isla Mujeres. And in coming home I had slipped into a state of depression. A yearning for everything I'd left back in Mexico. A depression which took a lonnngg time to get over. If I ever did. 

I suppose today is just one those days. One of those days I can't help but breaking down for no reason whatsoever. For everything I've been holding in. Here's to 1 less day. And five more to go.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

With the world at my feet.

As February begins to roll around I pull out a box from the linen closet and dig through last years journal. Last years happenings. One thing that stood out to me most was reading this "I'd rather live in a beautiful dream than a depressing reality." -Self

Stop me before I go on. I sounded suicidal, I know. Though I wasn't, I was in a pretty harsh situation, wrong people, wrong way...wrong dream.

When first making "Nico's Nonsense" my objective was to make it a Travel Blog...and it's been everything but! Last year around Janurary; like many others I had made resolutions. One which I had promised and swore I would leave the country again and failed to do so, while this year I have promised nothing of the sort and only rest on hopes and dreams. I have this continuous hunger to experience so much more than ordinary, to live life to the marrow, and trod where others dare not.

So here's to it, this year; this time around is about doing what seems silly and crazy and just plain stupid! I have insanely boughten myself a ticket to paradise. A ticket which will take me through the jungles of Chiapas, the secluded ruins of Tulum, white sands of Cancun, and the quiet beaches of Isla Mujeres. And wherever else I end up along the way is simply bliss. Call me crazy, irresponsible or even plain ticket is booked and I leave on the 2nd!

When chasing after your own dream; whatever it may be...I hope you always know that "For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."
-Benjamin Button

Here's to living a life of noisy fulfillment! [;



Thursday, January 20, 2011

Ten things.

    Ten things you probably don't know about me.

1. I started writing my first book at 13...still not finished.
2. I still LOVE watching cartoons. Preferably Hey Arnold or Rugrats. 
3. I sometimes wish I were Asian. These guys are so successful it hurts!
4. I was in boxing for 6 years or so; and yes I've been a guy.
 5. One day I hope to open my own homeless shelter/food pantry...on my bucket list.
6. The most daring thing I've ever done: Snuck into a closed ruin in Mexico. Best day ever. 
7. My guilty pleasure: Tombstone (Doc Holiday to be exact)
8. I correct other peoples grammar in my head while they're speaking
9. I've  been bear hugged by thee Hulk Hogan. 
10. My entire blog consists of more truth than lies.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I want the...

Open the door for me kind of love

 I want the stay up until four am on the phone listening to each other breathe kind of love
The playing footsies under the table kind of love
The "Did he touch my hand on purpose or on accident?" kind of love

A can I hold your hand kind of love
 The butterflies in my stomach kind of love
A let's pray together kind of love

The kind of love where you ask to kiss me
A meet the parents kind of love
And  a "I hope my mom loves him as much as I do" kind of love

That kind
Where we wait until marriage.

 Despite our pasts

The old and brittle rocking chair kind of love
The Notebook kind of love
 An innocent kind of love

No storybook kind of love
Because this love will never end 

Monday, January 17, 2011

Chasing Routines.

I feel so caught up in a routine I'm uncertain I even want to be in. I'd like to pack up and take the soonest flight out to South America. Live like the hippies do; on peace, love, hopes and dreams. Each day to the next, not worrying about routine or bills to pay. What I want is not a way out, but a way in. A way into a life that is so much simpler than this. One people call "paradise" and relate to myths. I've seen it, been there and felt it. And can't help holding onto this nostalgic feeling every minute of the day I miss it. "You may say I'm a dreamer...but I'm not the only one." There is a whole world of "dreamers" out there we cease to come across, a world of dreamers who have put their dreams to play. As I sit here in nostalgias arm hold I wonder when I'll return, and how many people will scoff, for me doing so.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Oh, there you are.

In the midst of so many others, somehow you appeared clearly before my eyes. A face and voice I'd known before, but never really seen until now.  You'd said a polite “Hello again” and sent a daunting smile my way. I stuttered “Well hello there

My heart whispered “That's him” and shuttered a bit. There I stood with a cheesy 'ol grin on my face and my bible in hand, unsure of what to do or say as I looked away. Oh God help me, I thought as I clasped my bible even tighter.  It was as if you had seen past everything that I was, am, and one day would be. And simply saw me.

Could my own heart be true? I wondered.  I wasn't this person, you know that kind that just feels this way for anyone. No. This idiosyncratic feeling had come out of nowhere and I was unsure if I wanted to continue on with it. It was as if my heart had been going on; living life without my consent.

                                                             How dare it.